Reading time: ~6 mins · Tagged: motherhood, parenthood, life
The moment I found out there was a tiny human growing in my belly, the journey of being a parent had already started. Sacrifices, lessons, growing pains — they just kept coming as time passed.
But here’s the thing, it’s not just being a mom that’s taught me a lot. Being a daughter has taught me too. The way I was raised. The way my husband’s family raised him. Watching friends and relatives raise their own kids. Even scrolling through other parents sharing their journey online. All of it has made me notice things I never used to think about.
The biggest lesson so far? Being fair to your own children.
I only have one kid right now, but somehow that hasn’t stopped me from noticing. There are parents out there who treat their kids differently. I don’t have a second child yet to test myself against. But I think about it more than I probably should.
Why some parents love one child more, even if they won’t admit it?
I mean, we carried them for 9 months, went through the same pain to bring them into this world. Shouldn’t we love them equally? There shouldn’t be an excuse, like doesn’t matter the age gap between the first and second child, doesn’t matter if they’re boys or girls.
Being fair or being equal, which one is it actually?
Of course, strict equality for everyone isn’t realistic. So this is where equity comes in. Giving each child what they individually need.
Say one child is clearly academically driven. She’s asking for tuition, extra workbooks, an iPad for online classes. The parents say yes, because she’s showing she wants it. Meanwhile the other child isn’t asking for anything. Not because he doesn’t need support, maybe he’s just quieter about it, or doesn’t know how to ask. So he doesn’t get the tuition, the extra help, the same kind of investment. Not because he needs it less. Just because he didn’t ask.
Is that equity? Or is something else going on?
When support turns into something else.
Most parents simply want to give their kids the best. But some take it further to make sure everything is fine, always. They smooth over every obstacle, every mistake, every hard decision, before their child even gets the chance to struggle through it themselves.
The struggle that’s visible gets all the attention. The struggle that’s hidden gets none.
And here’s what happens to the kids who grow up like that. They end up missing basic life skills. Survival skills. Problem-solving. Sometimes even common sense. Because someone was always there to catch them before they fell.
Meanwhile, the other child, the one who went through their own challenges quietly without ever showing it, gets overlooked completely. Everything looks fine on the outside, so the parents don’t think to step in. They’re too busy holding up the one who’s visibly struggling.
Ask them about it, and they might say, “this is equity.” But is it really fair?
Let’s be real, that’s favoritism.
Favoritism isn’t just about the obvious stuff like money, gifts, and opportunities. It shows up in different ways too. Affection, time, and how strict (or not) we are to discipline one child over another.
Some parents just feel more comfortable with one child. Maybe they share the same interests, the same gender, the same personality. Or maybe it’s just the firstborn vs the youngest kind of thing. Talking to the “easier” one, the one who gets them, comes more naturally. It’s easier to talk to them, easier to be around them, easier to let things slide. Not because they love that child more necessarily. But because it just feels more natural.
That’s the part that’s hard to admit, because “I just feel closer to this one” sounds harmless. But to the other child, it doesn’t feel harmless at all.
I see this happening for real too. Scrolling through Threads recently, I came across so many moms openly admitting they badmouth or complain about one child to the other. Some of them say they feel guilty about it. Others… don’t even bother pretending to feel guilty, but instead, they even justify it.
That pains me and it scares me too.
What would the other child feel, hearing that? What if I was that child? And what if I was in that mother’s position, would I really be able to justify it the way she did?
Even Prophet Muhammad ﷺ spoke about this.
There’s a hadith that made me ponder…
Anas reported: A man was with the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, when his son came. He kissed him and sat him down on his thigh. Then, his daughter came and she sat to his side. The Prophet said, “Why do you not treat them equally?” (Riwayat al-Baihaqi).
Even the Prophet ﷺ emphasized treating children with equal love and attention. If it mattered enough then, it should matter just as much now.
We just need to look closer.
It’s more common than we realize, we just don’t always notice it until we stop and reflect.
Here’s the thing.. this could be a perception, or it could be very real. But the more I research and read into it, the more I realized how much weight it actually carries.
This isn’t just a “feeling” parents brush off. It’s a real, recurring topic in family therapy. Favoritism, even the unspoken kind, can chip away at a child’s self-esteem, shape their behavior, and strain family relationships well into adulthood. Sometimes even into how they build their own family one day.
It’s the thing we’re scared to admit might be true. But admitting it is exactly what gives us the chance to do better.
I don’t know yet if I’d get this right. For now, I’ve only ever had one child to love.. no comparison, no competition.
As we consistently want to be the best parents we could be, this is the one thing I hope I get right. That someday, if I’m given more than one, neither of them will ever have to wonder if I loved the other more.
Basically, Mom 